Damn Technology!

Damn Technology.

“George, are you ok?  Is that blood on your shirt?” the concierge was asking me.

“Here you go, next time don’t forget your keys.  Are you sure you don’t want me to help you? there is no electricity, you sure you can walk up to the 4^th floor?”  he added as he was opening the gate for me.

It was 3:00 AM when I reached home.

3:30 AM

“Open the door George” people were screaming at my door.

I realized that it was the end. They’re here to kill me.

I stepped forward to my balcony, I stood at its edge and I jumped.

Farewell.

3 days later

“Thank God you’re alright” I heard a voice telling me, “Doctors said that you will recover fast and …”

My head is heavy and I think I’m losing consciousness.

But what is this that I see?

It’s a woman dressed in black, yes, I remember her, she was with me in the.., Ggggodddd!!!! now I remember.

3 days earlier at 6:00 PM

“Dude I sent her a DM and she replied: Come, Hamra at 8:00 pm, surprise me!” I was reading to my friend from my twitter account.  “I can’t believe how easy it was, just a ‘hi’ man, just a ‘hi!”

I entered the pub and she was sitting there.

She is completely different than the avatar she has on her profile, yet she wants me badly, she said so, right?!

She wants a surprise? I will give her one.

I walked across the pub, came near her, hugged her from behind and kissed her neck.

Then to be “romantic”, I let my lips meet hers.

I remember being hit badly and some people telling me that they will kill me while I was running away from the pub back home.

At the hospital

“Why did you come to the hospital?  Why are you here?  They will kill me if they know you’re here”  I woke up and she was there sitting next to the bed.

“Well, no one will kill you George, but I’m here to tell you that we are sorry.” she said while smiling,

“You know when I invited you; we were celebrating my return from my honeymoon so I invited you to be part of this surprise” she added, “didn't you read my previous tweets?

She took a deep breath and continued;

“But, as your home location was pinned on foursquare, me and my friends including my husband came to apologize to you before going home and amazingly the concierge was awake and guided us to your apartment, but next thing we knew, you were on the sideway full of blood.”

The internet was slow; previous DMs didn't load .Damn Technology in Lebanon.

The Curse

On the road

“Heeeeyyy, you are in my way, move you son of ….” I was screaming at a stupid person who was blocking my way while driving to drop my kids off at school and continue to work.

At Work

“You don’t understand? You are a stupid ………..” I was screaming at my assistant. I hate when work is not done on time.

At lunch

“Come on, you are a m….. fu…. “ I was laughing with my colleagues at the mall.

At home

“ I can’t believe that my kid is not disciplined at school, and this letter is a piece of sh..” I was screaming at my wife.

“Do something” said my wife.

“I will take him now and show him how to talk in a disciplined way” I said to my wife and went to take my kid for a ride.

Second day 

“ Look at this letter your stupid kid brought with him from school , it says that he hit his friends the first second he entered school, so they kicked him out and asked him to bring his parents “ My wife was screaming.

“Come here you stupid …..” I called my kid from his room

“Did you curse at your friends while beating them?” I screamed at him while looking in his eyes.

“Yesterday , you were hitting the man that bypassed us and you didn’t curse, so I did the same” the little kid answered while shaking.

“That’s my boy.” I joyfully screamed and added while looking at my wife “ See I told you I will discipline this kid, go make us something to eat, and throw this fu…g letter”

Reality pills

“Father, please I beg you, put the gun down and relax”

2 days earlier

“Hey, I can’t believe it, you’re still watching ‘24’?” my wife started screaming the second she entered home.

She added “you’ve been watching this f….ng series for the last 2 months, ENOUGH, look at yourself, you look sick”.

1 week earlier

“Look at this show, it’s amazing, you send pictures and you win prizes, it’s a reality show” my friend was telling me.

“Man I have my son’s baptism next week, and I’m so nervous, I hate to be watched by a lot of people” I told him.

So my friend advised, “It’s easy man, look, take this little magic pill before entering the church and things will be fine”.

The day of the Baptism

“Come on take these pills they’ll give you some energy” my wife was telling me as she’s been feeling that I look sick.

I took the pills, drove to the church and before entering it, I swallowed the magic pill my friend gave me.

The Baptism started

“Why are people acting weird?” I was asking my wife.

“Shut up and look at the priest” my wife answered with an extremely mean voice.

I looked at the priest and saw a gun in his hand; I jumped at him and pushed him to the floor.

I screamed “Father, please I beg you, put the gun down and relax” and I went blank.

2 hours later

“You stupid a.. , you always have to ruin things” my wife was screaming at me at the police station.

After condemning me to pay $10,000, I realized that the pill I took was a kind of drug that reacts as a hallucinatory when it’s mixed with any other drug, and your hallucination will be limited to what you like most.

But the embarrassing part was that the photographer took advantage of my actions and sent them for the new reality show.

I am a Cheater

“I promise I will not cheat on my wife again” this was the last sentence I said in my confession at the church, I stepped out of the room and the priest came to give me my children back so I can go home, and he said “ remember riding many horses will bring you backaches” he smiled and I left.

I am relieved , this Sunday will be different , my life will be different from now on.

At home

“sweetheart please leave this facebook thing, come sit with us, let us be a family for once” I was telling my wife.

“I suggest you come and bring the kids, sit beside me we will play on facebook” she suggested and added “ we will play some quizzes”.

At that moment I felt that I wanted to choose the topic, I want to confront my fears, so I chose the ‘Are You A Cheater?’ quiz, this is my moment of freedom.

“look sweetie, it says ‘riding many horses will bring you backaches’ this is funny ”my wife said.

“Mommy the priest was telling daddy to remember this sentence well” my two little kids jumped screaming, feeling that they are accomplishing the most important task of their life … ruining mine.

2 months later

“gtg Father, thx 4 the advice” this is what I was telling the priest on facebook chat.

I'm divorced and alone now, that's OK, but God surely has his mysterious ways, it seems facebook is one of them nowadays.

It never stops

“I didn’t forget you man, I swear I was just about to call you to tell you that the paint needs two more days to dry and I will bring the car to you, you just relax” this is what the mechanic told me before I hung up.

When I first sent him my car, he said that I can pick it up at the end of the week; yet I’ve been calling this mechanic for the last two months.

In the after noon

“I don’t think I will bring the car today, it will need 2 more days” I was telling my wife.

“Damn this AC, it is freezing my bones ”my wife was screaming and searching for the remote while I was telling her about the car.

“Sweet heart it is 39 degrees outside” It was a stupid affirmation from my part.

“ You hate me , this is what you know best how to do , you …” she kept on screaming and I kept on calming her for the last 2 hours, at the end I convinced her that I will bring the car from the mechanic even if it didn’t finish and we will go to spend two days in the mountains.

In the evening 

“Open the windows, I’m hot, why are you acting this way? you hate me…” my wife was throwing another fit, it is freezing out there. 

I sat near her and I calmed her down  after an hour of continuous crying and screaming, at the end she convinced me to go and sit for an hour or so outdoor on the top of the mountain that is facing us.

“where is my phone?” she asked.

“ I don’t know” before finishing my sentence, she smashed my phone on the floor. 

I couldn’t say a thing her situation was awful, so I hugged her, she cried again for five more minutes and I took her for a ride.

After midnight

“The car is not working” I was shouting.

“I’m cold, take me away from here , you never listen to me, you hate me…”

It seems the mechanic was selling my car in parts, not the essential parts, by the useful parts;

The car is not moving, we don’t have phones and the closest living being is 20 Km away and on top of all my wife is not shutting up.

She used to act funny while PMSing , it seems these were the good days.

Good morning nightmares!!!

“Good morning” I said to my wife on a

Thursday morning.

After 5 minutes

“Good morning” I said to my wife as she didn’t answer the first time and she looked at me in a very disgusted way.

Again she looked at me while brushing her teeth without answering.

20 minutes later

“please sweetie, I don’t want sugar in my coffee today” I was asking her while she was making coffee in the kitchen. But unfortunately she came having only her cup in hand, it is like I don’t even exist.

20 minutes later

“So you had fun?” she asked without looking at me while I was driving us to work.

“When?” I answered innocently.

“Shut up, you are an as…le ,” she suddenly screamed and started crying.

“Sweetie, what is …” I was trying to ask when she screamed “ shut upp “

At work

“Hello , Christine? I think my wife knows about us , and I have mixed up emotions right now, how did she know?” I was telling my girlfriend.

I’m cheating on my wife and now I feel sorry, I will never do it again I swear.

In the evening 

“Hellllooooo” my wife said while entering home, hugged me and kissed me, and asked” how was your day?”

“You are weird, what got into you this morning?” I asked.

“Nothing, I dreamt that you were sleeping with a blonde woman and I’m PMSing, so I snapped”.

Too bad I broke up with Christine she was brunette

Farewell Wedding

Based On a True Story

“Rain showers and wind storms, for the coming week” the weather news was on while I was telling my friend that I will propose to Jessie.

“Great, and how will you propose?” my friend asked and added “you need to be original and wow her so that she accepts on the spot”

“I bought this solitaire ring, it cost me 16000 $” I told my friend as I was showing him the piece of diamond.

2 days later

“I know that what I am asking for is a bit strange, but I already made up my mind” I was telling the man in the balloon shop.

 Last night, my friend and I decided on one of the most original ideas- I will put the ring in a helium balloon , the second she says yes I pop it and VOILA-

2 days later

“ What happened , why do you look like that?” my friend asked me.

“Because we are stupid- it was raining and the balloon flew away you dumba.s – I told Jessie what happened, she didn’t believe my story and thought I don’t want to buy her a ring, so she left me.” I told him while screaming.

“You did what I told you to do?!!! I was only joking.” my friend replied

Canada here I come!!

“Give me back my phone”, I was screaming at my girlfriend.

“Why did you send this message to this b..ch, who is she”, she was repeating while crying.

This is how my relationship ended because of an SMS service, sometimes technology doesn’t help. This time I am alone, I have no job, I fight with my father every 5 minutes. I think it is time to leave this country.

At my friend’s house

“Man Canada is the best. You can live there with no worries …” , I was telling my friend about the dream of going to Canada , we talked about it for 5 hours. 

2 months later

“Man I feel like I can’t live without her”,  I was telling my friend about this beautiful girl I just met and how much I love her, and I was telling him how much she hates traveling and that I totally agree with her.

5 months later

“ Stop telling me what to do”, my new girlfriend was screaming.

“Shut up, I tell you whatever I want”, this was the last thing I said before she hit me with her purse and left the room.

I believe , it’s obvious where the main problem is.

 Lebanon is the problem.

So, Canada here I come.